It's funny how a saying can take on a whole new meaning, once it means something to you. "You'll never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only option." As of lately I've discovered that I'm goddamn Super Woman. Since Bryce has left, I'm starting to realize and appreciate everything that he does with and for me, but more than anything I'm gaining a new appreciation for what I do every single day. It amuses me how frazzled I get during the day, because at one point in time I was THAT wife that watched other husbands leave and thought to myself and some times openly on Facebook, "Man, I wish that bitch would suck it up and stop whining, she knew what she was getting in to." False. F A L S E! You have no idea what you're in for with a deployment, until you're going through one, add kids to the mix and it's borderline hell. Add 2+ kids that aren't yours 6 days a week and I'm pretty sure people will start classifying you as a bat shit crazy lady. That's where I'm at now. Yes, he only left last week. YES, I am still adjusting. YES, I know I do my fair share of complaining about how hard it is, but it's mainly because for whatever reason, I expect more of myself.
As the title suggests, I feel like I was almost bred for this. All I've known my entire life is the military. This IS my normal. I get a lot of, "Oh well your dad is a Marine (OOH RAH!) (almost 20 years) (something else I want to include that's relevant) You're used to this right?" No. No, I'm not. Wanna know why? Of course you do. In the almost 20 years that my dad has been enlisted, he's never deployed. That's pretty much unheard of, but that's my dad for you. I went into this marriage with the delusional pretense that I would be just as lucky as my mom was. What I obviously over looked is I might as well have been born on Friday the 13th, under a ladder, while a black cat walked in front of my mother's vagina and I shatter a mirror or 12 on the way out. What I'm getting at is, I'm not used to this, BUT I am GETTING used to it. It's all a matter or getting in the swing of just being you again and while I miss Bryce very much and the first two days were very hard, I'm pretty proud of myself so far. I can only imagine how awesome I'm going to feel about 6 months down the road. I just wish I'd let myself just take all of this in and not feel bad for being generally sad about the whole thing. I find myself being really hard on me and saying, "Are you seriously STILL crying about this? It's been a week... get over it!!" Needless to say, I have some seriously talking that I need to do with me, because that bitch, is not being nice. She's being kind of a bully and NOBODY LIKE A BULLY AMANDA! Sheesh.
So far I've just a mile long list of things/goals I'd like to accomplish while he's off saving Africa from Kony (no he's not really doing that, but I find it amusing... deal with it). I'm planning on making a game out of saving as much money as I can to help fund our Disneyland/Wizarding World of Harry Potter trip for when he's home. Not to mention we're still very much planning on hitting up Mexico too. OW OW! I'd also like to lose like.... 15 poundsish, because who doesn't want to give their husband a super model to come home to!? Other than those, really it's just fixing little things around the house and finding things to keep myself as busy as humanly possible so that at the end of the day I have no time to dwell on him not being here and I can just pass out. Right now being consumed in bow making it helping, you wouldn't believe the amount of bows I've had to make every night! When they say (who the hell are "THEY" exactly and how do they know all this stuff?) there's no business like bow business, they were right!!! I'm also working on some pretty freaking bitchin' deployment blocks to help Lily Pops count down, once I finish those bad boys, you can bet your sweet blog reading asses I'll having a million pictures up. THEN on top of all of that, I only have one spot left open in my daycare. Talk about freaking busy! How anyone wants any more than two kids is beyond me. Those of you with more, you have me convinced you're either a saint or a nut. . . or a nutty saint?I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with that one haha.
I will say that I'm overwhelmed with the amount of support and love and kind words that have came my way since Bryce left and even before. I really am so lucky to live in a community of such supportive and genuine military wives that want nothing more that to let me know that no matter what I need, even if it's just to cry, they're there to listen and to help and to offer me words of encouragement and advice. It's amazing. That doesn't even include everyone that isn't affiliated with the military that has offered to help and just be there. I think I cried more from being so happy to see how awesome my support system is, than I did when Bryce left. My heart is feeling super happy because of it and it's a feeling that is so welcomed in my life at this point in time.
Well that's all for this time y'all! We're going to the pumpkin patch soon, so be ready for that! Not to mention, since it's fall and all, I s'pose it's time to make ANOTHER fall bucket list! Thanks for reading and thank you to everyone that has supported me through everything that has went on this past year, you cannot begin to imagine how important to me your kind words and well wishes really are, I don't and never will take them for granted. You're awesome.
-Amanda
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| Words of truth. |
