I'll eat you up, I love you so!

  August and September are always exceptionally emotion filled months for me. It's an on going joke that I do not, in fact, have tear ducts. I don't cry at weddings, I don't shed tears when babies are born and I actually laughed during my wedding because that is my body's natural defense for nervousness. That being said, I cry a lot in August and September. It always starts with the birthday of my youngest and last little princess. That's right ladies and gents, Emory Mae turned 3 years old on August 9th and my goodness, it hit me like a pound of bricks. The day before her "Swimsational" Bubble Guppies party it dawned on me that the youngest baby we have is now 3 years old and by no means is a "baby" any more. I know what every mother that is reading this is thinking, "but she will always be YOUR baby." And while you're right, do not let sassy pants Emmy Mae hear those words pass your lips.

Not only will she throw 50 shades of toddler 'tude your way, but she will also make absolute certain that you KNOW without a doubt that she in fact 3 years old and you'd best remember that or her and her posse of Paw Patrol figurines can and will find you and take. you. down. In all seriousness, I was very sad that she is three, but she had a freaking blast at her birthday party. She was surrounded by so much love and so many friends... and a LOT of freaking sweats. I think it's safe to say that this years party was an absolute success and I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for our adventures with Emory. 

  Tomorrow we actually have a pre op appointment for her and her heart. A few weeks ago they told us that her heart is still just a bit enlarged and while it could be absolutely nothing, it could also be a pretty big something. On Thursday she has to have a sedated heart catheter done to measure the exact amount of blood that is pumping through the right side of her heart and making it bigger. I know a few people are reading and have absolutely no idea what that means, I don't blame you, I had no idea either. Essentially the amazing pediatric cardiologists at Cincinnati Children's are going to go in through the artery in her groin area and thread a very very tiny little tube up to her heart to get the exact measurement that they need. The procedure itself is minimal invasive and shouldn't take any longer than about 30ish minutes. It's funny to read this as I'm typing. I've explained it a million and one times to everyone and every time it's like I'm reassuring them that she's going to be just fine, but I know deep down it's my way of reassuring myself that everything will be okay. I know she's a blessed little girl. I know she has her angels watching over her with every single step she takes, but it's hard to not worry. You guys know that though, most of you have been with us for ever leg of this crazy journey with Emmy and her heart. Honestly, it's the main reason that I'm even up blogging at 11:30 pm instead of resting for tomorrow. I don't know how to turn my brain off right now, but it could be worse right? Right.

  SO! Once again, the first day of school has come and gone. Lily Addison is OFFICIALLY a first grader!! Talk about a long journey. When i went to sign Lily up for first grade, it was questionable if she was going to be able to start since she attended a private school for so long and they don't do "report cards" instead they just do testing. Granted, Lily always scored way above her class average every single time she tested, so I assumed there would be no issue. For once, I was so right. The front office originally said they couldn't advance her unless they had a report card saying she advanced to first grade. I told them I didn't have one, but I gave them all of her assessments from her old teacher and prayed that was enough. My prayers were answered. I called her school the following Monday to see what needed to be done and the office said she sat down with the principal and they didn't need to see anything because based on little miss smarty pants' scores, she is MORE than qualified to start first grade!! You can imagine my relief when I heard those words leave her mouth. She started school on Monday and absolutely loves every thing about it. Naturally I was a hot mess today when I didn't get to walk her to her class, but in true Lily fashion she was the one comforting me that she would be just fine and can totally do it on her own, because after all she is a FIRST grader now. I shed a tear on the walk back to my car. Before I know it I'll be dropping her off at college and probably contemplating if it's too late to enroll myself so that I can hold her hand through the rest of her life too. What am I even saying? She is the most self sufficient and confident 5 year old that I have ever met. Sometimes I just look at her and I'm over whelmed with the little lady that Lily is becoming. She has so much compassion for others. She has so much love for the world around her. She is honest and kind and just such a ray of sunshine. I know I've said I'm worried that people will change that about her, but I know they won't. She's a natural born lover and leader and I think that's what I admire most about her. She's living proof that all of those times that I thought I was being too soft or that I was criticized because of my method of parenting or when I thought I was royally failing at parenthood, I wasn't and I shouldn't have been. In a few short weeks she will be 6 and while she may be too "big" for dora and bubble guppies now, she too will always be MY little baby Lily. 

  Aside from birthdays and school, August and September also hold some pretty spectacular for me and Mr. ManMeat. August 24th marks 4 years that we have been married and September 13th we've been paling around for 5 stinking years! I'm laying here in bed next to him after he fell asleep on my shoulder and I can't help but want to thank God for him. I want to just say thank you for all of the crazy ups and downs that my life held before Bryce, because it really prepared me for something that I could have never in my wildest dreams have EVER imagined I would have. I always knew I wanted to get married, but I had always seen movies and even real life couples where marriage seemed like a chore and I honestly almost puked before our wedding and then we did it. We said our vows and in that instant I just knew, he is where I was supposed to be for the rest of my life. Every day is something new and even though sometimes when he does something dumb I do envision just kind of hitting him with a frying pan (who knew!?), he's my kind of dumb and he makes up for it ten fold by seriously being the best father and husband I have ever known. I'm glad I waited and I know that it's a bit cliche to say, but I really do thank god for unanswered prayers. Bryce was unexpected and we were unexpected, but here we are, 5 years later and happier that I could have ever imagined. I still get butterflies, I still want to spend every second of alone time that I have with him and I don't see that changing any time soon. I'm glad I waited and I really did marry the person that I 100% believe to be my soul mate, my life partner, my companion and most importantly, my best friend.  "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." <3

  That's it for now folks! It's midnight and that 6:30 am workout is going to come all too soon. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, we can use it right now. Remember to hug your babies and just enjoy them while they're little. In the blink of an eye they are going to be grown and you will have wished that you'd made those dishes wait or you'd played that board game with them just a few more times. Let them be little for as long as they will let you. 

xoxo, 

Amanda 

p.s. 

Check out Taylor Swift's new song "Shake It Off" Not only is it my life anthem right now (HI HATERS... haha jk everyone loves me), but she very CLEARLY stole all of my super sick dance moves. Guess I'll have to dance battle her one day. Look out Taylor, shots have been fired, you're going down. (Also, my husband really loves you so if you could look as ugly as possible if you ever meet him that would be super duper)

Click this link to check out her awesomeness!!

Wordless Wednesday Photo Overload

Motivational Monday

  Good news, Y'all! I woke up today and though I absolutely resented Bryce for waking me up to work out at 6:45 a.m., I am so glad he did. Talk about motivation to get. shit. done! As I sit here in my tiny cramped "office" (it's really just a glorified linen closet), I didn't want to work today and then I got to staring at my vision board that my amazing Premier up line encouraged all of us to create (no doubt for mornings like these) and I suddenly got inspired to get as much Premier done as I possibly can today. I've been on a bit of a Premier hiatus due to my gnarly broken foot. Let me tell you, carrying my jewelry case and all of my extras to and from is not easy to do with one working foot. My early afternoon will no doubt be filled with facebook party events, hostess coaching and lots of jewelry browsing (I know I'm an addict, the first step is admitting it right?). I also am taking the time to apply to be a part of one of my absolute FAVORITE sites creative teams. The Dating Divas are an amazing team and I cannot wait to hear back about if they like me or not. To say I'm a little anxious about it is putting it lightly. COME ON AUGUST 2nd!!
  I really just wanted to throw some motivation your way too! I know sometimes I need a kick in the butt and to hear that there are people that are just like me. They don't want to be doing what they need to do, but they push through and they do it anyways. Sometimes it takes a little encouraging and that's totally fine. Granted, I'd like the encouragement to start my day to NOT come at 6:45 am, but I guess I had to be up in 2 hours anyways to get Emory ready for summer camp so why not get a little more done a little bit earlier and have a little more time to be with my family tonight.
  So this is ME telling YOU to QUIT SLACKIN' AND MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!!!

I hope your day is inspiring and motivational and I hope that you get everything that needs to be done, done. I also hope that this helped you just a tiny bit.

xoxo,
Amanda.

That's what I love about Sunday...

Welp, it's Sunday and I survived another week. I was just going to make this gem of a blog a photo dump post, but alas, here I am.

Not a whole lot has happened since I last wrote. Fourth of July came and went. We spent it with our friends Sean and Amanda watching fire works, doing sparklers and setting off all of the smoke bombs in the GIANT smoke bomb package that Lily had to have at once. It was a great success for sure. I will say I missed Emory and wish she had been home, but she had a ball at my moms house. They bought their own fireworks to do in the back yard and she loved them. We finally got her back on the 8th from my grandma. Sadly, the same night we got her back she woke up at 3 am screaming and coughing to the point where she couldn't breathe at all. If you know me at all you know my kids ever been to the ER a combined total of 3 times. I knew this time she needed to go as a gut feeling. When we go there they found that her heart rate was sky high and she has Bronchitis. Needless to say, it's been a very long few days sleeping wise. We were in the ER for 3 hours waiting her her little heart rate to slow down. It scared me so much, because of her murmur. We go in on Tuesday for her annual cardiology appointment and to find out if we're going to have to wait another year to find out if she's going to have to have surgery to fix her heart. I don't think I've ever prayed so hard for a miracle in my life.  

  A few weeks ago Bryce's friend sent Lily all of his old Pokemon cards, because Lily has recently developed a pokemon obsession and wanted to learn to play. Bryce took the time to sit her down and explain the game to her. Needless to say both of them were in heaven. Since we don't have boys I know it makes Bryce happy to see his girls turing into their nerdy mom and loving all of the things that both of us do. It was seriously one of the most endearing things to me for some reason to just watch her nerd blooming right in front of us. The next day she looked at me and said, "Mom, I just NEED to find Professor Oak so I can be a Pokemon master and get all of my badges!" Of course you do baby. What she doesn't know is that for her birthday (she's requested a pokemon b-day) I found all of the badges on etsy as a party gift for her friends! I cannot wait to see her face when she sees them!! It's funny the things you get overly excited about when you're a mom, isn't it?

  I've done THREE things that I've never done before this week. I know I know, I'm getting crazy over here! Since my brother passed away I decided that life is too short to continue falling into the same patterns that I always have and I made a promise to myself that AT LEAST once a month I will do something I've never done or try a food that I've never tried before. In an effort to do this, the first thing I did was go to a drag show to see my good friend Joshua do his thing as Miss Pixie. I must say I was jealous of how drop dead gorgeous some of those girls were! I loved walking into the club on a Monday and nobody stared at you or judged you, you were just automatically accepted by everyone in there. Watching Pixie on stage was wonderful as well. Joshua's passion for everything he does is just infectious. You could see him up on stage just glowing with love of what he was doing and how proud he was to be presenting Pixie on stage for the first time.

  SPEAKING OF JOSHUA! He is the proud owner of a salon here in Dayton called Salon J. Ladner. I haven't gone to another salon since I started going to this master piece of a salon. They always refer to their hair cuts/colors/stylings as the #hairjourney and for good reason. I went to see Joshua last Thursday and guess what?! He did the best job of taking me to the next step of blonde and got my hair ALL THE WAY TOGETHER! I love everything about having lighter hair. I've always been nervous to go blonde, because I think most of the time if it's all done at once it can look cheap and like you just bleached your whole head. Not to mention it can be awful for your hair. Josh put all of those fears to rest. I'm in love with my hair and it has totally transformed me. I cannot speak highly enough of Salon J. Ladner and everyone that works there. You WILL leave feeling like a rock star, I had the bouncy and blown out hair to prove it.

  When I was like 16 I LOVE LOVE LOVED the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I never knew they did live productions of it in theaters until I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I guess I lived under a rock? Either way, on Friday I saw my first live production of RHPS and it is honestly an experience that I will never forget. The audience participation was hilarious. The actors were so beyond funny. Seeing it with friends just made it so much better too. I cannot wait to go back and HOPEFULLY I can take Bryce with me next time, because he loves RHPS too and I love that about him.
  Alright y'all, I have some Premier Designs jewelry shopping to get done. Our new fall catalog came out and I am BEYOND excited for it!!! Luckily when you gain levels in Premier they give you jewelry certificates to spend and I have $1200 to use for new jewelry. Shopping spree for working hard anyone? I think so!! Have a good night and an excellent start of the day. Try something new!! I promise it will be worth it. <3

xoxo,
Amanda

 

What time is it?! SUMMER TIME!

  You know what I hate? Catch up blog posts! They feel forced to me, so I'm going to skip all of the things that you've missed and jump right in to it! It's summer and I'm feeling good! Remember last summer when I said, "I'm never letting my girls leave for longer than a week again?" Yeah... well... I didn't listen to me. The weekend of Father's day we left to take Lily to NC so she could attend summer camp with her mom mom and see her dad on Father's day. I have never seen a child more excited to be able to go to baking camp in my life. She completely ignored the two other camps that she got to go to (Gymnastics and Swimming) and just went on and on and on about baking camp and how excited she was to start. Lily was lucky enough to get to spend father's day with BOTH of her daddies and it really was an awesome thing to see. I will never be happier than seeing how easily her dad and Bryce get along with each other and knowing that no matter what our feelings have been in the past towards one another, we will always put her first. It really and truly makes me so happy. Not only that, but Matt's mom and himself both love and care for Emory like she was family too. It's also very amusing to me that Emory doesn't know what Matt's name is because the three of us only refer to each other as mom and dad to the kids, so Emory calls Matt "Daddy", because that's what Lily calls him. Gotta love two year olds. I'm very excited for summers to come, because Kim is already planning on taking BOTH of the girls for two weeks and sending them to camp. We have two very blessed little ladies on our hands there is no denying that. If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart.

  While Lily was only going to be gone for two weeks for camp, Emory will be gone for just a bit longer, because she's with my mom and dad in FL. To say that she's being spoiled rotten and has her grandma and grandpa wrapped around those adorable little fingers is putting it lightly. I called my mom a few days after we got home where she informed us that Emory is now the proud owner of 3 pairs of shoes in one day and 10 different shovels. "Ummm... why does a 2 year old need shovels, mom?" - "Cause she asked for them." Oh, so that's how it works then? While you're at it I need a new car. Thanks push over... I mean grandma. It's funny to me that we facetimed her the entire time she has been there and she would only talk to us for ABOUT five minutes if we were lucky, but the second her big sister is home and they facetimed the two of them talked and played for a solid twenty minutes. Sisters before misters right? Right. Either way she is having an absolute blast and one thing about having well adjusted kids is that while they really do miss you (they will always miss their siblings more), you'd never know it. I really can't wait to kiss her squishy little baby face again though, a month is entirely too long to be away from my pumpkin faced baby.

our gym!

   As much as I don't like being away from my babes, I will say the quality time that Bryce and I have had together has been much needed. To be able to just be with each other and hang out has been amazing. It's easy to get lost in the day to day of life when you have two tiny humans to care for 24/7. It's east to lose that spark and let it fall away, because some days you're just too tired and exhausted from life in general to think of anything else. Have a full two weeks together where all we have to concern ourselves with is one another is like getting to fall in love all over again. We stayed up as late as we wanted and made as much noise as we wanted when we wanted. Mostly Bryce was reassuring me that the girls will be fine and had to keep me in our little bubble of a moment, but what did he expect? We got to see movies that weren't cartoons, we went to dinner and sat in the bar area (ZOMG! You know this is a huge deal if you're a parent). Hell, we went to a bar in general TWICE and just people watched and laughed together. We also bought a gym for our garage and it's been awesome to be able to just walk ten feet to the garage and work out together. I will say it was reassuring of the love that we have with each other. I really did marry my best friend and times like this just prove it and prove that he really is what I absolutely consider to be THE ONE for me. I am one lucky lady.

   OH! Oh my gosh, I almost forgot to tell you about how incredibly graceful I am! So in May my best friends came to visit. Ashely had a wedding to do make up for and Drew came because he thinks I'm the bomb.com and lets face it, I kind of am. So my friend Amanda so kindly offered to babysit our kiddies while the three of us went and danced up the down. Dancing went well and no limbs were broken, until AFTER we were done dancing. That's right ladies and gents, I managed to WALK off of a curb and sprain my ankle/fracture my foot. Now, let me tell you something about me. I don't admit when I'm hurt. I will laugh and smile and the second you hear the words, "I'm fine." Leave my mouth is when you need to be worried. Immediately after I fell to the ground, my glorious best friend ran over and what are her first words to me? "Amanda are you laughing or crying? THEY BOTH SOUND THE SAME!" In her defense, they absolutely do sound the same and I was crying. I wanted to get up and kept just saying that I was fine over and over. Then I looked at my foot and saw the break. Let's just say there was nothing FINE about that foot. We wound up in the ER until 5 am and the jersey shore EMT didn't find me very amusing. I called Bryce in the morning to let him know what happened and thank goodness his leadership is so awesome, he was able to leave his survival training school to come home and be with me. I'm much better now though. I'm in a walking boot and I couldn't be happier for that. Being in a cast for 4 weeks was AWFUL! I do not miss that thing and I wouldn't wish a broken foot on even my worst enemy.

ALSO! I promoted to Designer at work! EEEKK!! That's right y'all! I'm a leader with Premier now! I was supposed to be going to our national rally next week, but sadly that isn't going to happen now. It's okay though, because I have a lot to look forward to either way. We're gearing up to move to NC and be closer to our friends and family and you cannot beat that.
  So basically, life is good. Life is really good. Aside from my best friend moving to California, I have not a single complaint in the world. The start of this year was terrible. It was the lowest that I have ever been in my life and not because of silly trivial things like I uses to worry about. If I took away anything from the passing of my brother it's that life really IS too short. I have learned to look at things like a broken foot and laugh at it. I've learned to embrace all nighters with my Emory because she doesn't want to sleep and I have learned that not everyone is worth the time you give them. I'm happy. I'm happy with my kids. I'm happy with my man meat. Most importantly, I'm happy with myself and the choices I am making. I started this month saying, "One month, something bad isn't going to happen to me!" In the grand scheme of things, that's life. You have to roll with the punches, you have to take the good with the bad and you have to learn to rise about all of it and say, "TAKE THAT LIFE!" Life is what you make it, but at least you have a life to make the most of. I'm going to love this summer as much as Olaf would if he were here.

I cut all of my hair off too ! 

  Have a great rest of the day y'all and remember to grow where you are planted and to treat every single day as if it were your last day. Tell the ones you love most that you appreciate them and smile at the "bad" things that happen, because they might suck at the time, but they won't always suck and that's what matters.

xoxo,
Amanda

Everything has changed.

  I don't even know where to begin with this post, but I knew I needed to start it, so here I am. It's been quite a while since I've last blogged and to say that in 8 short months I've changed completely who I am and the direction I'm taking my life would essentially be the understatement of the century. I'm not going to fill you in on the rest of the year, because it's simply too much for me to type into one post. I will however say that, it was a pretty dark time. It wasn't particularly hard for myself, but for my best friend and if you're anything like me then there are few things worse in life than watching somebody that you love with all of your heart hurting profusely and not being able to do a single thing to stop that hurt or heal that pain, but as we both have learned... Life goes on even when you don't want it to. I'm going to leave the end of the year at that and say that I'm not sad 2013 is over.
  Not that 2014 started much better. In January I went to Premier Designs regional rally and I will say that I was at a time in life when I needed a purpose. I needed something good and some kind of happy to come into my life, Premier did that for me. Rally essentially is a HUGE training with some really amazing speakers and not to mention, the unveiling for the newest line of jewelry. I don't know if it was the new sparkly things that Premier had just showed us OR being surrounded by some really inspirational people, but that day something inside of me just changed. With the help of Premier and my amazing Premier "mom" Kelly, I was pulled out of my funk and back into the real world. Things were finally returning to normal. Bryce's birthday came and went, the girls loved getting to celebrate with him this year, since he was in Africa last year. February was upon us and my birthday was here. I decided on my birthday that I would be only referred to as Dean Winchester and I'd eat burgers and drink beer and be happy with all of my girlfriends around me. We had a blast. It was the last supremely happy day that I would have in a very very long time.

  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I am one of five kids. My mom is a saint, I know. There is Joshua (28) Me (25) Kaitlynn (18) Brianna (16) and Cenzie (11?...good thing she will never read this). We pretty much all grew up very close. I can't remember a single happy time from my childhood when my brother wasn't there. I remember being his biggest fan and thinking that one day I wanted to be as cool as he was. I just knew he was invincible... and then we grew up. We took very different paths in our lives. I chose to look at my life's circumstances and to learn from them and to learn what I don't want out of life. Joshua, didn't do that. He did some things that he shouldn't have and got caught up in somethings that he knew he shouldn't be, but he didn't know how to get out of those things once he really wanted to and unfortunately (but not really) wound up in jail. I want to say this made me sad, but to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened to him at the time. Before jail, Joshua was entirely too deep into a losing battle with drugs. He didn't know how to live life without them, because drug addiction is a sickness and I believe it's a disease that will ruin anyone that it can get it's nasty little hands on. Josh was one of those people. While he was in jail my brother informed me that he had a beautiful little girl than none of us knew about for an entire YEAR after she was born. I immediately looked up her mom and when I laid my eyes on that little girl for the first time, there was no denying that child was Joshua's. She looked like him right down to that crooked little smile that he had.

  So I was an aunt now. I was also one of my brother's biggest supporters. He was locked up, because he mad awful choices, but he wasn't a had person. He would tell me how bad he felt about everything and how much he just wanted to turn his life around and he did. He got his GED while he was in jail and managed to see Bailey as much as he possibly could. He was so in love with that little girl, that I looked forward to his letters every week, just so I could hear all of the wonderful changes that he was making. For the first time in a long time, I was 100% proud of my brother. Not everyone learns a life lesson while they're incarcerated, but he did. He learned that there is more to life than drugs and the false feelings of contentment that drugs can bring. He learned that there is real love in the world. He had Bailey and he had Stacey and things were going well. . . and then his ex wife (or soon to be) overdosed and I'm not sure what changed in Josh. I don't know when his feelings for her left, but I know it was probably the second that he learned that she was the one to lock him up for motives unknown, but I think he felt personably responsible for her death in some way. Nikki was never going to change and she was never going to get clean. It wasn't what she wanted and I learned later that, he had indeed tried to get clean several times and she would push him back into using. I want to say I forgive her, because her family is hurting too, but I can't and I won't.
  Joshua was released early to be able to attend her funeral and because he had finished his time and completed his program. He was doing well. He was getting it together and as fast as all of these amazing things were happening to him, they ended. Bryce was in St. Louis when I got the most devastating phone call of my entire life. Joshua had overdosed and was dead. I will never forget just standing in my kitchen and falling to the ground, because it wasn't possible that this was happening. It wasn't possible that this had happened. He would never do this to me... he would never do this to Bailey. I was wrong, because he did. He was approached by a "friend" and this "friend" knew who Joshua used to be. The only thing I can equate a dormant lying drug addiction to would be waking a sleeping bear. If that bear is sleeping, you'd better let it sleep. Should you wake it, it's going to wake up hungry and there will be no stopping it. That's what happened. His "friend" woke the bear and it was hungry. He died in his sleep. Over the next few days I just cried. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was mad at him. I was mad at me. I was mad at anyone that was close to him, because they didn't stop it. I had to patiently wait about 3 days for Bryce to get home and then I had to leave basically the next day to go to Idaho.

  The whole thing was kind of a blur. There are very few things that stick out to me from being there. Meeting Bailey was one of them. She walked into my grandmas house with Stacey and my heart stopped. How could Joshua still be here in such a tiny beautiful little girl. Everything in me wanted to cry and hold her and not let her go. Another part of me knew how absolutely weird that would be. The other thing I will remember is constant look of hurt that stayed on my mom's face no matter how hard she tried to hide it. I will remember having to make the decision for his proceedings, because nobody could get it together. I'll remember the balloons that we sent up to him and not being able to look away from Bailey, because she was all I had left of him, but above all, I'll remember not being able to leave his viewing. While he laid on that table dressed in his best, I couldn't look away from him. That was the last time I would ever be in the same room with him. The last time I would look at his face. The last time I'd ever get to touch him. I sat in that room and I just stared at him and thought about how sorry I was, that he never got to meet my girls. I was so sorry that I never tried harder to see him. I was so mad that I had threw away all of his letter, because I thought I'd have more time. We always think we will have more time.

  Once I was home I thought things would be better, but almost 2 months later and it's still not okay. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss him waking me up at 3 am, because he could never remember the time difference. I miss his laugh. I've never experienced death before and yet, here I am. Feeling all of these feelings at once and feeling them alone. I don't think anyone knows how to talk to me about it or if they are avoiding talking about it. The people I do want to talk to me about it, don't, because it just brings up bad feelings for them. So I still don't really know how to process it, but nobody asks me how I'm doing any more, because everyone expects me to just be okay. I think I'm okay, but some days I don't really know. 25 years of knowing a person and then you're supposed to just accept that they're not here any more, because something was bigger and stronger than their will power was. How does a person accept that? How do you just keep going on, when they don't get the chance to? I have an immense feeling of guilt that washes over me every time something big happens. I just want that to stop. I know I couldn't have prevented this from happening and I know that his suffering is over now, but I guess I'm just not accepting it yet.



  Usually I'd find a way to end this that brings closure, but I don't really know how to do that right now. So... thanks for reading? Sorry this one was so down, but before I can move onto anything else in my life, I had to get this out.

-Amanda

p.s
I didn't proof read this, sorry if it's awful.