Everything has changed.

  I don't even know where to begin with this post, but I knew I needed to start it, so here I am. It's been quite a while since I've last blogged and to say that in 8 short months I've changed completely who I am and the direction I'm taking my life would essentially be the understatement of the century. I'm not going to fill you in on the rest of the year, because it's simply too much for me to type into one post. I will however say that, it was a pretty dark time. It wasn't particularly hard for myself, but for my best friend and if you're anything like me then there are few things worse in life than watching somebody that you love with all of your heart hurting profusely and not being able to do a single thing to stop that hurt or heal that pain, but as we both have learned... Life goes on even when you don't want it to. I'm going to leave the end of the year at that and say that I'm not sad 2013 is over.
  Not that 2014 started much better. In January I went to Premier Designs regional rally and I will say that I was at a time in life when I needed a purpose. I needed something good and some kind of happy to come into my life, Premier did that for me. Rally essentially is a HUGE training with some really amazing speakers and not to mention, the unveiling for the newest line of jewelry. I don't know if it was the new sparkly things that Premier had just showed us OR being surrounded by some really inspirational people, but that day something inside of me just changed. With the help of Premier and my amazing Premier "mom" Kelly, I was pulled out of my funk and back into the real world. Things were finally returning to normal. Bryce's birthday came and went, the girls loved getting to celebrate with him this year, since he was in Africa last year. February was upon us and my birthday was here. I decided on my birthday that I would be only referred to as Dean Winchester and I'd eat burgers and drink beer and be happy with all of my girlfriends around me. We had a blast. It was the last supremely happy day that I would have in a very very long time.

  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I am one of five kids. My mom is a saint, I know. There is Joshua (28) Me (25) Kaitlynn (18) Brianna (16) and Cenzie (11?...good thing she will never read this). We pretty much all grew up very close. I can't remember a single happy time from my childhood when my brother wasn't there. I remember being his biggest fan and thinking that one day I wanted to be as cool as he was. I just knew he was invincible... and then we grew up. We took very different paths in our lives. I chose to look at my life's circumstances and to learn from them and to learn what I don't want out of life. Joshua, didn't do that. He did some things that he shouldn't have and got caught up in somethings that he knew he shouldn't be, but he didn't know how to get out of those things once he really wanted to and unfortunately (but not really) wound up in jail. I want to say this made me sad, but to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened to him at the time. Before jail, Joshua was entirely too deep into a losing battle with drugs. He didn't know how to live life without them, because drug addiction is a sickness and I believe it's a disease that will ruin anyone that it can get it's nasty little hands on. Josh was one of those people. While he was in jail my brother informed me that he had a beautiful little girl than none of us knew about for an entire YEAR after she was born. I immediately looked up her mom and when I laid my eyes on that little girl for the first time, there was no denying that child was Joshua's. She looked like him right down to that crooked little smile that he had.

  So I was an aunt now. I was also one of my brother's biggest supporters. He was locked up, because he mad awful choices, but he wasn't a had person. He would tell me how bad he felt about everything and how much he just wanted to turn his life around and he did. He got his GED while he was in jail and managed to see Bailey as much as he possibly could. He was so in love with that little girl, that I looked forward to his letters every week, just so I could hear all of the wonderful changes that he was making. For the first time in a long time, I was 100% proud of my brother. Not everyone learns a life lesson while they're incarcerated, but he did. He learned that there is more to life than drugs and the false feelings of contentment that drugs can bring. He learned that there is real love in the world. He had Bailey and he had Stacey and things were going well. . . and then his ex wife (or soon to be) overdosed and I'm not sure what changed in Josh. I don't know when his feelings for her left, but I know it was probably the second that he learned that she was the one to lock him up for motives unknown, but I think he felt personably responsible for her death in some way. Nikki was never going to change and she was never going to get clean. It wasn't what she wanted and I learned later that, he had indeed tried to get clean several times and she would push him back into using. I want to say I forgive her, because her family is hurting too, but I can't and I won't.
  Joshua was released early to be able to attend her funeral and because he had finished his time and completed his program. He was doing well. He was getting it together and as fast as all of these amazing things were happening to him, they ended. Bryce was in St. Louis when I got the most devastating phone call of my entire life. Joshua had overdosed and was dead. I will never forget just standing in my kitchen and falling to the ground, because it wasn't possible that this was happening. It wasn't possible that this had happened. He would never do this to me... he would never do this to Bailey. I was wrong, because he did. He was approached by a "friend" and this "friend" knew who Joshua used to be. The only thing I can equate a dormant lying drug addiction to would be waking a sleeping bear. If that bear is sleeping, you'd better let it sleep. Should you wake it, it's going to wake up hungry and there will be no stopping it. That's what happened. His "friend" woke the bear and it was hungry. He died in his sleep. Over the next few days I just cried. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was mad at him. I was mad at me. I was mad at anyone that was close to him, because they didn't stop it. I had to patiently wait about 3 days for Bryce to get home and then I had to leave basically the next day to go to Idaho.

  The whole thing was kind of a blur. There are very few things that stick out to me from being there. Meeting Bailey was one of them. She walked into my grandmas house with Stacey and my heart stopped. How could Joshua still be here in such a tiny beautiful little girl. Everything in me wanted to cry and hold her and not let her go. Another part of me knew how absolutely weird that would be. The other thing I will remember is constant look of hurt that stayed on my mom's face no matter how hard she tried to hide it. I will remember having to make the decision for his proceedings, because nobody could get it together. I'll remember the balloons that we sent up to him and not being able to look away from Bailey, because she was all I had left of him, but above all, I'll remember not being able to leave his viewing. While he laid on that table dressed in his best, I couldn't look away from him. That was the last time I would ever be in the same room with him. The last time I would look at his face. The last time I'd ever get to touch him. I sat in that room and I just stared at him and thought about how sorry I was, that he never got to meet my girls. I was so sorry that I never tried harder to see him. I was so mad that I had threw away all of his letter, because I thought I'd have more time. We always think we will have more time.

  Once I was home I thought things would be better, but almost 2 months later and it's still not okay. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss him waking me up at 3 am, because he could never remember the time difference. I miss his laugh. I've never experienced death before and yet, here I am. Feeling all of these feelings at once and feeling them alone. I don't think anyone knows how to talk to me about it or if they are avoiding talking about it. The people I do want to talk to me about it, don't, because it just brings up bad feelings for them. So I still don't really know how to process it, but nobody asks me how I'm doing any more, because everyone expects me to just be okay. I think I'm okay, but some days I don't really know. 25 years of knowing a person and then you're supposed to just accept that they're not here any more, because something was bigger and stronger than their will power was. How does a person accept that? How do you just keep going on, when they don't get the chance to? I have an immense feeling of guilt that washes over me every time something big happens. I just want that to stop. I know I couldn't have prevented this from happening and I know that his suffering is over now, but I guess I'm just not accepting it yet.



  Usually I'd find a way to end this that brings closure, but I don't really know how to do that right now. So... thanks for reading? Sorry this one was so down, but before I can move onto anything else in my life, I had to get this out.

-Amanda

p.s
I didn't proof read this, sorry if it's awful.