Everything has changed.

  I don't even know where to begin with this post, but I knew I needed to start it, so here I am. It's been quite a while since I've last blogged and to say that in 8 short months I've changed completely who I am and the direction I'm taking my life would essentially be the understatement of the century. I'm not going to fill you in on the rest of the year, because it's simply too much for me to type into one post. I will however say that, it was a pretty dark time. It wasn't particularly hard for myself, but for my best friend and if you're anything like me then there are few things worse in life than watching somebody that you love with all of your heart hurting profusely and not being able to do a single thing to stop that hurt or heal that pain, but as we both have learned... Life goes on even when you don't want it to. I'm going to leave the end of the year at that and say that I'm not sad 2013 is over.
  Not that 2014 started much better. In January I went to Premier Designs regional rally and I will say that I was at a time in life when I needed a purpose. I needed something good and some kind of happy to come into my life, Premier did that for me. Rally essentially is a HUGE training with some really amazing speakers and not to mention, the unveiling for the newest line of jewelry. I don't know if it was the new sparkly things that Premier had just showed us OR being surrounded by some really inspirational people, but that day something inside of me just changed. With the help of Premier and my amazing Premier "mom" Kelly, I was pulled out of my funk and back into the real world. Things were finally returning to normal. Bryce's birthday came and went, the girls loved getting to celebrate with him this year, since he was in Africa last year. February was upon us and my birthday was here. I decided on my birthday that I would be only referred to as Dean Winchester and I'd eat burgers and drink beer and be happy with all of my girlfriends around me. We had a blast. It was the last supremely happy day that I would have in a very very long time.

  I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I am one of five kids. My mom is a saint, I know. There is Joshua (28) Me (25) Kaitlynn (18) Brianna (16) and Cenzie (11?...good thing she will never read this). We pretty much all grew up very close. I can't remember a single happy time from my childhood when my brother wasn't there. I remember being his biggest fan and thinking that one day I wanted to be as cool as he was. I just knew he was invincible... and then we grew up. We took very different paths in our lives. I chose to look at my life's circumstances and to learn from them and to learn what I don't want out of life. Joshua, didn't do that. He did some things that he shouldn't have and got caught up in somethings that he knew he shouldn't be, but he didn't know how to get out of those things once he really wanted to and unfortunately (but not really) wound up in jail. I want to say this made me sad, but to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened to him at the time. Before jail, Joshua was entirely too deep into a losing battle with drugs. He didn't know how to live life without them, because drug addiction is a sickness and I believe it's a disease that will ruin anyone that it can get it's nasty little hands on. Josh was one of those people. While he was in jail my brother informed me that he had a beautiful little girl than none of us knew about for an entire YEAR after she was born. I immediately looked up her mom and when I laid my eyes on that little girl for the first time, there was no denying that child was Joshua's. She looked like him right down to that crooked little smile that he had.

  So I was an aunt now. I was also one of my brother's biggest supporters. He was locked up, because he mad awful choices, but he wasn't a had person. He would tell me how bad he felt about everything and how much he just wanted to turn his life around and he did. He got his GED while he was in jail and managed to see Bailey as much as he possibly could. He was so in love with that little girl, that I looked forward to his letters every week, just so I could hear all of the wonderful changes that he was making. For the first time in a long time, I was 100% proud of my brother. Not everyone learns a life lesson while they're incarcerated, but he did. He learned that there is more to life than drugs and the false feelings of contentment that drugs can bring. He learned that there is real love in the world. He had Bailey and he had Stacey and things were going well. . . and then his ex wife (or soon to be) overdosed and I'm not sure what changed in Josh. I don't know when his feelings for her left, but I know it was probably the second that he learned that she was the one to lock him up for motives unknown, but I think he felt personably responsible for her death in some way. Nikki was never going to change and she was never going to get clean. It wasn't what she wanted and I learned later that, he had indeed tried to get clean several times and she would push him back into using. I want to say I forgive her, because her family is hurting too, but I can't and I won't.
  Joshua was released early to be able to attend her funeral and because he had finished his time and completed his program. He was doing well. He was getting it together and as fast as all of these amazing things were happening to him, they ended. Bryce was in St. Louis when I got the most devastating phone call of my entire life. Joshua had overdosed and was dead. I will never forget just standing in my kitchen and falling to the ground, because it wasn't possible that this was happening. It wasn't possible that this had happened. He would never do this to me... he would never do this to Bailey. I was wrong, because he did. He was approached by a "friend" and this "friend" knew who Joshua used to be. The only thing I can equate a dormant lying drug addiction to would be waking a sleeping bear. If that bear is sleeping, you'd better let it sleep. Should you wake it, it's going to wake up hungry and there will be no stopping it. That's what happened. His "friend" woke the bear and it was hungry. He died in his sleep. Over the next few days I just cried. I was angry at everything and everyone. I was mad at him. I was mad at me. I was mad at anyone that was close to him, because they didn't stop it. I had to patiently wait about 3 days for Bryce to get home and then I had to leave basically the next day to go to Idaho.

  The whole thing was kind of a blur. There are very few things that stick out to me from being there. Meeting Bailey was one of them. She walked into my grandmas house with Stacey and my heart stopped. How could Joshua still be here in such a tiny beautiful little girl. Everything in me wanted to cry and hold her and not let her go. Another part of me knew how absolutely weird that would be. The other thing I will remember is constant look of hurt that stayed on my mom's face no matter how hard she tried to hide it. I will remember having to make the decision for his proceedings, because nobody could get it together. I'll remember the balloons that we sent up to him and not being able to look away from Bailey, because she was all I had left of him, but above all, I'll remember not being able to leave his viewing. While he laid on that table dressed in his best, I couldn't look away from him. That was the last time I would ever be in the same room with him. The last time I would look at his face. The last time I'd ever get to touch him. I sat in that room and I just stared at him and thought about how sorry I was, that he never got to meet my girls. I was so sorry that I never tried harder to see him. I was so mad that I had threw away all of his letter, because I thought I'd have more time. We always think we will have more time.

  Once I was home I thought things would be better, but almost 2 months later and it's still not okay. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss him waking me up at 3 am, because he could never remember the time difference. I miss his laugh. I've never experienced death before and yet, here I am. Feeling all of these feelings at once and feeling them alone. I don't think anyone knows how to talk to me about it or if they are avoiding talking about it. The people I do want to talk to me about it, don't, because it just brings up bad feelings for them. So I still don't really know how to process it, but nobody asks me how I'm doing any more, because everyone expects me to just be okay. I think I'm okay, but some days I don't really know. 25 years of knowing a person and then you're supposed to just accept that they're not here any more, because something was bigger and stronger than their will power was. How does a person accept that? How do you just keep going on, when they don't get the chance to? I have an immense feeling of guilt that washes over me every time something big happens. I just want that to stop. I know I couldn't have prevented this from happening and I know that his suffering is over now, but I guess I'm just not accepting it yet.



  Usually I'd find a way to end this that brings closure, but I don't really know how to do that right now. So... thanks for reading? Sorry this one was so down, but before I can move onto anything else in my life, I had to get this out.

-Amanda

p.s
I didn't proof read this, sorry if it's awful.

I'd give all I have honey, if you could stay like this.

  In roughly 10 minutes the first real love of my life is going to turn 5. I'm sitting here fighting tears and just thinking to myself about how fast the past half a decade has slipped away from me. In the midst of moving from one country to the next, getting married, having another baby and starting a few new business ventures... my little Lily has turned into my BIG 5 year old kindergarten Lily. She's been anxiously, but PATIENTLY counting down the days until her big day (with the help of a chalk board countdown of course) and I'm so excited to see her come out of that room tomorrow with that precious little grin on her face, because she knows that it is THE day, it's HER day and let me tell you know, it's going to be one hell of a day too. 

  I honest to god cannot imagine where my life would have lead me had Lily not graced my uterus with her ALWAYS active presence. I remember her tiny (and not so tiny) kicks like it was yesterday. I remember when she was awake and I wanted her to sleep, I'd play her music through headphones and she'd always calm down immediately. I remember it dawning on me that her name was Lily as I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and how I just KNEW she was a Lily. I remember the extra week and a half that she decided to stay in my belly, because lord knows that if she came out on time, that just wouldn't be her style. I remember shaking in the hospital bed and thinking, "Holy shit... am I ready for this?" and then quickly telling myself that it didn't matter any more, she was coming. I remember looking into that sweet face and just knowing that my heart could never be as full as it was the first time I saw her. I remember her first shots and how my mom had to go in with her, because I just couldn't handle it. I remember all of it and I'm not longer fighting tears, because there are so many moments I wish I could get back with her. 

  This crazy world is moving so fast and before I know it she's going to be off to college and in the blink of an eye she'll be married with babies of her own. The only thing that I can really hope for her is that when she decides to have children, they show her the meaning of life the same way she did with me. Every day I try and be a better person, but not for me. Every thing I do is for those tiny little humans that I call my daughters. I do everything in my power to make sure they know that before everything else in my life, they will ALWAYS be number 1. They make me a better person and a sobbing mess without even meaning to or knowing it. 

  Sorry this was so short, I just needed to share that Lily is growing up and I'm not handling it so well. Time to go put streamers all over her door and fill her room with balloons....

g'night, y'all!! 

-Amanda

I remember I thought you looked like an angel wrapped in pink so soft and warm.
You've had me wrapped around your finger since the day you were born.

Oh, don't you ever grow up.

Just a first day of school picture dump. 

She did amazing, she looked like a super model.

She's more perfect than words will ever let me describe.

She said THIS was her very best pose.

Monster, Monster High!

She's obviously my child

And she's over it.

No really, Mom. STAAAHHPPP

Just catching her excitement <3

Be still heart, she's going to show the world who Lily Addison is 

and that's something they're never going to forget.

Have an excellent day, y'all! 

<3,

Amanda

'Twas the night before Kindergarten

  And mommy was a hot ass mess. No, but really. If ever there were a definition of an overly emotional mother, it's me tonight. Tomorrow Lily starts her education career. This is the start of what will be the biggest chapter in Lily's life, for over a decade. I know it seems dramatic when you put it like that, but it's crazy to see your kids moving through the motions, the same way you did. Sometimes, you want those motions to slow down. Lily came to me today and said, "Mom, we need to pick something F A N C Y for school tomorrow." that hurt my wallet and warmed my heart at the same time. I know school will be nothing but a thing for Lily, she's the smartest 4 year old that I have EVER met (I know... I'm biased), but for me, it's scary. This is when you send your precious little soul out into the world and hope to god that nothing taints it too much. That her feels will be spared for the most part and that when the time comes to help somebody else out, she knows to do the same. A lot of people think that sending your kid to private school protects them from the outside world, but let's be real, kids are kids no matter what school they attend. I was often bullied in elementary school and middle school, to the extreme that, I failed 5th grade simply because facing the girls that called me names and consistently picked on me and would leave me in tears (this sometimes included teachers) just because we didn't have very much money, was more than I could bare. I would hang out in my neighborhood all day long until I saw the buses come and then I would come home and erase the school messages saying that I was absent.

I can't wait to capture this outfit with my actual camera tomorrow!

  I know Lily has a lot more as a child than I ever did and I know that no matter what, I refuse to let her fall victim to the same things I did, but her actually starting school tomorrow really puts it in perspective that I can't always protect her from the world. I think sometimes my head can't wrap itself around the fact that she's almost 5.... okay really I just refuse to accept that fact. Tomorrow, it's going to be real though. I let her help pick out the colors for our 2nd annual first day of school chalk board and she was more than thrilled. We also made a special trip to target to pick her out some really awesome clothes for school. Thankfully, we don't have to buy a single school supply! Seriously... none. By thankfully I obviously mean that I'm super bummed. I L O V E school supply shopping as much as I love football and fall. I kind of wanted to force Lisa Frank folders and pencils on her, because...Is there a school supply better than Lisa Frank!? No. That unicorn and yellow puppy take the school supply cake.  So there's that... tomorrow is the start of a new chapter for her, as sad as I am, I know she's ready.

  Aside from school starting, a whole lotta nothing has been happening. I had my highest selling Premier show on sunday and that made me feel really good and confidant in what I'm doing. I will say that I need to find a way to branch out my business. It's hard having a direct sales business when you're living in a pretty tight knit military community. There are only so many of us that can have the same kind of party, before we all know the entire routine of the show forwards, backwards and side ways. I think starting school in a career primarily dominated by women, is really going to help, but I still have two months before that happens. Patience is a virtue that I am lacking currently, but I guess i'm gonna have to work on that one.
  Alright y'all, it's time for me to head to bed and get ready to cry my eyes out tomorrow, BUT before I go, I wanted to link you fine people to my friends new blog and youtube channel. She just got it up and running and I know a lot of you are curious as to what in the hell you do with make up/hair and let me tell you, she's a guru. I do a lot of my techniques the same way she does and while I don't have time to document them, this bad ass momma does. So take the time to check her out and soak up the beauty knowledge bombs that she's gonna drop on you often. Trust me, you're not gonna be disappointed.  ALSO! I know a few of us have been discussing the differences between Ipsy and Birchbox, she does an unboxing every month, so that is going to be helpful as well for those of you without either.

This is her brand new blog!

And this is her amazeballs YouTube channel!

  Have a spectacular night, morning and day... until next time. 

<3.

Amanda

p.s.

It's never too early to get ready for fall right? Like... back to school FOR SURE means fall, so decorating is legit. 

This southern piece of perfection makes my heart happy.

Fall fall is on it's way!

  Oh hey, y'all! You're probably getting sick of my month long blogging breaks by now, for that I'd like to say, "SORRY NOT SORRY!" I've been actively trying to soak up every fun filled minute of life with my family and friends that I possibly can this summer, before things get banana sandwiches come fall. So what's the haps in Amanda land? Let me fill y'all in. Probably the biggest thing is... LILY IS STARTING KINDERGARTEN NEXT WEEK! We had her tested by the school district here and they informed us that Lily has the IQ equivalent of a 2nd grader (I acted surprised, but we all knew that already.) after she passed the academic portion of the test they had to test her in a classroom setting, where unfortunately (and by mistake I swear) they claimed Lily was "nervous" and "anxious", if you know this little diva at all, those are two words you would never use to describe her. She basically walks into a room and commands it completely, but there's not much I can do. Honestly, I had a mini break down when they told me that she couldn't start. I cried... for hours. H O U R S Y' A L L! How on earth are these people going to recommend that she goes BACK to pre k when they JUST told me last week she was beyond advanced smarts wise? yeah, no happening. Lily's been attending the local Goddard school in our area for her Pre-K education. She goes 3 times a week all day and currently we're paying $300 (I know... i roll my eyes at people throwing money into blogs too, but hold tight) To some people that seems like a lot of money, but if you break it down, it comes out to roughly $75 a week and let me assure you that was after the owner discounting us $300 already. I'll tell you the same thing I tell everyone else, there is no better place that I can justify investing money than into the future and education of my girls. ANYWAYS, I got off track, I immediately called Goddard and talked to the owner about our situation and to say that she was just as upset and confused by the backwards ass school district that we're in, is an under statement. We set up a time to meet with all three of us present and hoped for the best. To be 100% honest, both Bryce and I went into the meeting thinking that there was no way we'd ever be able to afford full day Kindergarten there, it's a rather pricey private Kindergarten, but we figured we had nothing to lose.

her first day of pre-k

  When we met with Kim, she didn't waste time explaining the program to us. It is an accredited kindergarten and it truly sounds like an AMAZING program, but we still hadn't talked price. I was flipping through the program folder she gave us and stumbled across the price and in that moment, my heart either sank or dissipated all together. To attend the private kindergarten there it costs $968 A MONTH PLUS a one time testing/supplies fee. I wanted to cry and panic all over again. I just looked up at Bryce and he looked at me and then Lily's angel of a director spoke the sweetest words I had heard in two VERY LONG days. She was going to let Lily attend their program for less than HALF of the normal cost. We're going to be paying $400 a month for her to have the best education she can possibly have AND she gets to stay with the friends that she's made over the past year of being there. It took every single ounce of energy in me to not break down in that office. The only words I could manage were thank you. Being a military family is rewarding, we're all so proud of what Bryce does every day for us and I couldn't be more thankful of our lifestyle, but financially sometimes... it's no picnic. I know it seems like I was being dramatic over something small, but there will be nothing more important to me in life, than shaping the future of Emory and Lily and making sure that they have EVERY SINGLE opportunity possible, within their grasp and that starts early now days. I needed this good to happen to me, I prayed for it. Which is a weird thing for me and the big guy pulled through. 

  So! The big girl starts school on Tuesday and our new price wont even kick in until September. The overwhelming sense of relief that I'm filling, is indescribable. Tomorrow we have Goddard's annual family jam (last years was australia and this year it's Jamaica.) and I can't wait to see what that has in store. Last year they had a wallaby, dunk tank and so much more.... I truly love this school and I'm glad we took the steps to have her in private school from the get go. Aside from Lily's school stuff our other little diva turned 2!!!! AHHHH!!!! We didn't go all out for her birthday party this year and I'm not gonna lie, I'm sad about it. If there is one thing I love more than most things in this life, it's party planning. The girls ALWAYS have spectacular birthday parties and it's something that I know I picked up from my mom. I can't remember ever being disappointed with a party that my mom threw for me. She always made a point of going above and beyond and I can honestly say that was one of my favorite things about my childhood. I try and do the same with the girls, but this year, Bryce made a valid point that made me tone it down. I was full blown party planning and asked him, "Do you think this is too much?" what does my man reply with? "Amanda, can you think back to your 2nd birthday and remember anything about it?" Touche'. We invited a few family friends and celebrate and guess what, She loved it the same as if it were the biggest party in the world. I seriously still cannot grasp that it's been two years since I've had her. It seems like just yesterday she finally made her way into this world and I fell in love with those sweet cheeks and that smile. From the get go Emory has made sure to keep us on our toes, but that's what being the youngest child is all about right? Right. She did have another cardiology appointment last week and it went about as well as it could have gone.

how bad ass is the cake Ashley handmade!?!

  When we got there she had her usual EKG (can I just say that EVERY TIME we go she is always so still and such a perfect little patient that the nurses cannot get over it?) and then her amazing cardiologist listens to her heart and does an echo. We found out once again that the hole is still there and the left side of her heart is still enlarged and working harder than it should be. As of right now we don't have to see the cardiologist again until she's 3 and if the hole is still there, we're giving it one more year before we discuss our surgery options. That's a scary thought to me, but lately, I've been thinking that I'd rather it go ahead and be repaired than to have to constantly worry about it. My mom told me the other day when I called her crying that God would never give me more than I can handle and let me tell you, his faith in me is mighty high these days. I've never been one to back down from a life challenge though, so I'm going to show life who's boss. 

  I swear I've written a novela already and I still have more to say!! My best friend from NC came to visit (2nd time this year!) and for the 4 days that she was here, I was the happiest person on the planet!! Some times it gets kind of lonely here, then my friends announce that they're once again driving 7 hours just to hang out, because they miss me and suddenly I'm so filled with love and happiness that I forget what lonely even feels like. I hope that everyone gets to experience a friendship like mine and Ashley's at least once in a life time. In the 8 years that we've been friends, we've been through so much and even though we can go months or YEARS without seeing each other, when we do, it's like it was yesterday. Now if only B. could wind up stationed in NC and we could live 2 hours away, my life would be perfect and I'd literally cry from pure happiness for days on end. She always reminds me that I'm stronger than I think I am and all while doing my make up and making me feel like a super model (Oh hey having a make up artist for a BFFLZZZZZ is kind of handy... did I mention she also does all of my website graphics as well? well she does. My best friend is better than yours.) Just being around her really makes me a better person. Beyond blessed, doesn't even cover it. Not to mention while she was here ALL THREE of my besties were under one roof.... Ohio wasn't even ready for the ninja rolling action that happened there. To make a long story short, this has been one hell of a week for me.

  Alright, y'all. I'm done here for now. Time to go call Creative Images and do some school talk and clean these carpets that my children decide to mess up on a daily basis. I hope your day is wonderful and I'll try and write again soon. 

Bye now!

-Amanda

Wordless Wednesday (Picture OVERLOAD!)

Our 4th of July babies <3 (could they be any more photogenic?! lol)

I guess it's safe to say she loves her brother and he might have grown an inch or 12.

Who doesn't turn their boring pens into washi tape pens!?! You're doing it wrong if you don't.

Ohio has the most perfect summers ever and really makes having a bitchin' backyard, that much more enjoyable <3

Sometimes being a jewelry lady can be fun... I get to play dress up every time I do a show!! 

Sometimes hitting the gym (check that planet fitness t-shirt!) after an amazing time with friends
is the only way to end the night... until you drink your prework out at 9 pm and you're still awake at 1 am.

And so it begins...

  Oh hey y'all! You know how when things slow down in life and you're finally like, "Oh yeah, relax time!" something A L W A Y S comes along to go, "I got you sucker!", well I basically just did that to myself. Last week I made the informed and very excited decision to make not one, but TWO big life changes regarding a very exciting career path. First! I finally requested information from the local cosmetology schools in the area and I have my first walkthrough/interview on Friday at Creative Images! AAAAHHHH!! I'm very nervous about it. Before Bryce and I were married I was in line to attend the Paul Mitchel school in Charlotte, but alas, marriage and love came first... then a house... then a major surgery for Bryce and then our sweet princess Emory and mommy's school got put on the back burner. I wish I could say I'm sad about that, but I'm not. Not every one is fortunate enough to be able to spend these precious moments with their little ones the way that I am and I know how lucky I am for that. That being said, I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT!!! I'm 99% sure this isn't going to help my recent make up obsession, but hey, you win some... Bryce loses some.

Can we take a second to appreciate how cute Emory's
kissy face is... and that sweet bow necklace!?

  My second life endeavor is that I joined the fabulous and fierce Premier Designs jewelry team! That's right y'all, I'm officially a jewelry lady and I couldn't be more excited/happy/ready to make some money if I tried. If you know me at all, this is hilarious to you. You're probably even laughing at the idea of ME, the yoga pants and tank top queen, being a jewelry kind of person. I too laughed that the idea at first and then I purchased my first Premier piece. It's a bracelet that they make called, "It's a wrap!" It's a super simple wrap bracelet, but my goodness I could NOT get enough. Once I had that bracelet, I wanted more to match it and then Bryce's ALS graduation rolled around and something in me said, "Uhhh... ACCESSORIZE!" and it was down hill from there. I bought my kit and have lots of training in my near future, but with the prospect of me going into a business that deals primarily with women, I think I'll do just fine.
  It's so weird to think that I'm going to get to do something that is 100% for me for once. I'm so used to being MOMMY and WIFE all the time, that I'm almost uncomfortable stepping out of that zone for more than a minute or two during the day. I really needed this though, I needed something to challenge myself and to really push me. At first I had my reservations, I was very nervous and almost talked myself out of it (like I do with everything), but this A M A Z I N G man that I married came along and said, "Amanda, you're going to be amazing at whatever you do. If this is what is going to make you happy, then just do it." It's moments like that one that make me so thankful that I was smart enough to marry my man meat. He's been so encouraging and so supportive through all of this, it really makes life a lot easier knowing that he's Team Amanda no matter what happens in life. I truly am one blessed lady.
  So that's ME right now. Lily is FINALLY home from her daddy's house and back in full swing. She came home her usual outgoing and sassy self, but I swear to you in those two weeks, she aged 2 years. When she got home she did something (lord help me, but I can't remember what it was) that just made me automatically tear up and want to cry. I looked at bryce and he just busted out laughing. I'm such a sap when I comes to these little princesses and sometimes it's borderline embarrassing. She started summer camp at Goddard the Monday after she got home and to our surprise they had a field trip planned for that day to the Dayton Dragons field. She was so excited to tell us all about it when she got home. Naturally, she made Bryce promise to take her to a baseball game and the requested to watch baseball (it wasnt' on) so she said, "Football?".... not on. Okay, cheerleading? nope. Hockey!? no ma'am. She finally settled on soccer, which she watched for a total of about 5 minutes and ran away to do Lily things with her hoodrat sister. Gotta love em.

  Alright y'all, I have more premier studying to do so I can be ready for my debut show on the 31st!! (which also happens to be Harry Potter's birthday... NO BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING!) and about 5 seasons of Doctor Who to catch up on. I'm mildly obsessed, it's becoming a problem. I hope your Independence day is amazing (i know mine will be) and that you take time to really appreciate every one that has sacrificed something in their lives to make sure that we can continue to celebrate the land of the free and every amazing opportunity that comes with it. Now in closing, LET'S GET STAR SPANGLED HAMMERED Y'ALL! OW OW! .... no but really, 'MERIKA!

G'night, Y'all.

-Amanda