Stop picking on me God! *pouts*

That's what it feels like at least. Need to know more? Here it goes. I by no means can say that I am a religious person, I never have been. Sure I went to Sunday school when I was little and I've read parts of the good book here and there, but that's about the extent of it. However, in shitty times I always find myself turning to "the big man upstairs" and maybe that's my problem. We all need to place blame somewhere and lately it seems like the blunt of my blame, is laying with him.
  On August 9th, 2011 I gave birth to a little girl that for all intents and purposes, is perfect to me. Sadly, this is not 100% true. The same day that she was born the dr.'s told me that my perfect little Emory has a heart murmur, VSD is what they call it and it basically means there's a nasty little hole in her heart. Immediately all I could think was, "SERIOUSLY!? NOW!? YOU'RE GOING TO PICK ON HER ALREADY!? you. great. big. bully" (that was me talking to god) Very Bruce Almighty of me I know, keep reading. I just kept looking at her thinking, how? How is it at all possible that I just cooked her for nine months, did everything I was told to do and then some and she still came out with a defect. Not a huge one, but it's huge to me. Nobody wants to hear that there's something wrong with their brand new baby, let along something wrong with a major organ that she needs to live, it's just not something you can prepare yourself for. Well Dr. Connor (her cardiologist) explained to me more what VSD means exactly and pretty much there is blood just circulating from her heart to her lungs over and over and if it's big enough, then it can cause her to have symptoms of heart failure like: shortness of breath, failure to thrive, trouble breathing while she eats....you get the picture. They also told me that if it's there long enough or isn't fixing itself like they THINK it will, then heart surgery before she's one is a possibility. The dr.'s all told me it was common and that it'd close on it's own so there was no reason to worry. Easier said than done.
  For the next few months after that we had to see the cardiologist regularly and the pediatrician monthly instead of bi monthly. At one point she wasn't gaining weight (failure to thrive) so I had to feed her literally every like 30 minutes, talk about LONG ASS DAYS and NIGHTS BRO! Luckily it picked up and we were back on track. Besides that, it's been just an on going thing. Here we are 4 months later and nothing's changed. It hasn't closed and I can't tell you how much I hate to hear the false hope that everyone feeds me about how common it is and how they're sure it will close. After today's appointment I find that what little faith I do have  is wavering with every, "Well it's still there" or "Looks like we're gonna have to wait and see" that I get. Dr. Connor told me today it could be 5 more months before we even know how this will play out or if she'll need surgery. I just keep telling myself, "Be strong for her." "Be the kind of person you'd want her to be in this situation" "Don't let them see you worry", but how much longer can I really do that for before I just crack? Is this "his" plan for her? If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for this? Am I being tested through one of the only things in my life that really gives me faith to begin with? I know reading this some of you are going, "Oh my over dramatic mama, it's just a murmur." But to me it's not JUST a murmur. I made that heart and what if it was something that I did that caused it? It comes back to needing a place to throw my blame. I want to believe that there is some god that will look over her and make sure she's always okay, I really do, but I just don't know that I can. Either way it's probably wrong of me to pick and choose when and where to believe instead of believing in something more all of the time, ya know? I guess when you don't have anything tangible to hold on to, some of us just need to believe that somebody somewhere will make sure it's all going to be alright.
  Please don't feel like i'm questioning your god by writing this. If you believe in a higher power and have faith that is unwavering, then more power to you. I envy you. Maybe send some of it my way, because lord knows I need it most right now.

-amanda

My late Thanksgiving post

Hello!! Thanksgiving has come and gone and let me tell you it was another loud one in the Wheeler house. The last two years we've spent our night of giving thanks with my husband's family here in good ol' Wisconsin, the land of cheese and beer. I, being the forgetful new mother that I am, totally forgot my camera and to blog about what I'm most thankful for. Team Forgetful Amanda? You know you love me. So here I am remembering now and stealing a moment of alone time in the bathroom. BATHROOM BLOGS ARE THE BEST BLOGS! I'm sure you know that already though, nothing gets passed you. Here is a list of things that I am most thankful for this year. Though I feel like I need to take more time to be a little more thankful for them through out the year, but hey, at least I'm acknowledging them now right?

Things I'm Thankful For

*My Life. It's an amazing one to say the least. God was having a good day when he dealt me my hand of cards and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

*My family. Friends come and go, but those shit heads are stuck with me for the rest of their lives. 

*My husband. Before Bryce I'd watch movies and swoon over that guy. You know, the Noah kind of guy from the Notebook that is undyingly loyal and looks great with a beard. Well I found that in somebody and I love him with everything that I have. Without that man I have no clue where I'd be, but thankfully I don't have to even imagine that. I DO have him. I have his love, his support and most importantly, in him I have my very best friend. He provides for our family without one complaint every single day. He is amazing. He is my husband and I think that's pretty great. 

*My girls. They are my princesses. Every single day that I get to spend with them makes me feel like the luckiest mommy in the whole wide world. I can't think of two more perfect human beings than the ones that I created. Once again, thanks God for giving me the opportunity to raise those little angels, because without them I'd only be half of who I am today. 

*Coffee. Oh coffee how I love thee. It's a shame we met so late in life, but there are days where you my friend are all that keeps me going and for that, I am thankful for you seeings ass i'm pretty sure my blood type is now coffee. 

*My August 2011 mommas!! There were times in my pregnancy when I thought I must be nuts, until one of you lovely ladies reassured me I wasn't. There were times after Emory was born, that I thought I might break down and just give up, but you ladies reassured me I was super woman. There are times when I do something awesome and I want nothing more than to run back to my computer and tell you ladies a.s.a.p! For the companionship and eternal friendship/bond that we have, I will always be thankful. I have best friends that don't know/ask about Emory as much as you ladies do and that means the world to me. When I got my first stretch mark you were there, when I had my little lady you were there, when I found out about Emory's murmur you were there and for so much more you're going to be there. Thank you. 

*My sister wife Ashley. She forced me into blogging, she listens to me bitch daily and she's the ONLY friend I have that talks to me on a daily basis. I love you bitch, now come marry my husband and raise my kids.

There's more that I'm thankful for, but Emory is screaming for a boob. Have a great day and a super weekend. Tonight the ladies are staying the night with our aunt Kathy and momma is gonna par*wait for it*TAY!!!!

-Amanda

No Peektures for youz.

No, but really. Zero pictures this time. It's currently entirely too late in my misplaced mommy world right now. I'm actually in Union Grove, Wisconsin visiting the man child's fam jam for Thanksgiving and let me tell you something, before I had a house of my own going on vacation was no big deal, because I didn't have my own routine yet and now at 22 going on 23, with a house of my own, I apparently am an old ass and I hate vacation. I find myself making a list of things that I should be doing or need to do once we're home at LEAST 3 or 4 times a day. I guess I've never really taken the time to appreciate OUR house and OUR routine as a family. What better day to realize how thankful I am for my house/life than today right? Well played life, lesson learned.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

p.s. do expect another blog later today. : )

Nothing of real importance.

  Oh hai! So I went on a mini hiatus from blogging due to sever laziness and my gurlfrand making it pretty for me (thanks ashley <3) So as I sit here writing this wonderful life update for you, I just got bathed in baby vomit.... HOORAY! Who doesn't love being puked on!? No but really... how did that baby hold that much puke?? This is a mystery that may never be solved.
  Honestly, I haven't been up to much. I was supposed to start school on the 7th, BUT I decided that if i can't give it my 100% attention, then there's no point in doing. So for now, that's another to do on my life list. I am however getting certified to run a FCC in my house. They're in major need of ladies willing to drive themselves bananas for the sake of other parents and I am one of the very few that actually would LOVE to do it. Let me tell you why, are you ready? Of course you are. I am the second oldest of 5 kids. That's right, my momma popped out 5 of us (her poor vagina...4 of us were all natural. Only the last one needed an epidural...and so began my mom's epic battle with my youngest sister. :p) Growing up in a house with a billion kids, not to mention my mom's twin sister had 4 kids of her own, it's a little weird for me to be in a house that is so empty all the time. Growing up I spent A LOT OF FREAKING TIME with my little sisters and at the time I was all, "WAHHH YOU'RE RUINING MY SOCIAL LIFE PARENTS! WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME FOR!!! WAAHHH!!!" Yes, I talk like a toddler when I'm complaining, you wanna throw bows over it!? No but really, I wouldn't trade it for the world now, it has made me a pretty kick ass mommy if I do say so myself, thanks ma. SO BACK TO THE STORY SHEESH! I have this need to be around kids after always spending so much time with my darling but demonic sisters. On top of that it's damn near impossible to get your kid into a good daycare here and I'm looking to provide that for people. Oh and what the hell else am I going to do!? Nothing that's what. If I weren't doing this I'd be sitting in my house probably facebooking to my August mom's group, glued to some crappy but addicting show (*sigh* vampire diaries...) or complaining about being bored. Starting tomorrow I have orientation classes from 9-4 p.m all day er' day, but not really, it's only until Friday. Lame sauce? Yes. Worth it? totes magotes bros.
  Really besides that I have like NOTHING going on, just being super mom and Amanda Stewart (my neighbor has dubbed me this due to my need to craft or I start itching like I have meth bugs crawling under my skin... picture THAT in your head for a minute, now laugh...now...stop) I actually just finished making one of three Christmas trees for my "mantle" a.k.a target shelf, because I'm one of those nut jobs that have already started decorating for Christmas haha Bryce is all kinds of against it sadly, because he believes that by me skipping the most GLUTTONOUS holiday of the year, I'm committing a crime or something, he obviously doesn't know that I'm part elf. Buddy and I go WAY back. I always thought I was adopted, I'm pretty sure we came from the same orphanage, Buddy was just quicker than me and made it to Santa's sack *laughs...sack* first. That bitch. Bryce just hasn't come to terms with it yet, but that's okay, it'll happen.

He's no cotton headed ninny muggins.

I also printed out a really great free printable from less cake {more frosting} to hang on my wall next to my "shantle" See what I did there? I mixed SHELF and MANTLE and made it one word, I'm so full of awesome sometimes. I have about a zillion more crafts to do though (oh hey thanks for stealing my life and all my free time pinterest.com, you awesome soul sucking website you!) and exactly 7 presents to finish making and I haven't even decided what I'm making my mom for Christmas yet. Hello busy holiday season this year. Micheals/Joann's will love me. I should probably just buy one of their stores for myself. Seriously though, I cannot wait to spend our first Christmas in our house together as a complete family. Waking up hella early with Lily and probably with belly aches from eating the cookies and milk that we're leaving out for Santa. We're already almost completely done with the girls Christmas shopping, talk about being on the ball right? ZOMG I'M A GROWN UP NOW!! SAY WHAT!? Yeah that happened and I'm 100% okay with it, because right now I absolutely love my life and our little fam jam that we've got going.

  Alas, it is entirely too late and I'm starting to just topic jump like crazy. Not to mention I have to be up at 6 a.m....wait...what was that? Yup 6 a.m. Having one car BLOWS sometimes, so I will bid you a due and leave you with, yeah you guessed it, a picture of E Money rocking my new winter hat with bear ears on it...YOU TOTALLY WANT ONE NOW RIGHT!? RIGHT!? Yeah you do, go to Walmart, spend $13 bucks and look almost as cute as her, but let's face it, that's a lot of cute to live up to. 

sorry for the crappy cell phone quality. 

p.s. I just now proof read this, thank God I didn't aspire to be an english teacher : /

.two for one.

We make Movember look good. 

i h8 sean t.