Stop picking on me God! *pouts*

That's what it feels like at least. Need to know more? Here it goes. I by no means can say that I am a religious person, I never have been. Sure I went to Sunday school when I was little and I've read parts of the good book here and there, but that's about the extent of it. However, in shitty times I always find myself turning to "the big man upstairs" and maybe that's my problem. We all need to place blame somewhere and lately it seems like the blunt of my blame, is laying with him.
  On August 9th, 2011 I gave birth to a little girl that for all intents and purposes, is perfect to me. Sadly, this is not 100% true. The same day that she was born the dr.'s told me that my perfect little Emory has a heart murmur, VSD is what they call it and it basically means there's a nasty little hole in her heart. Immediately all I could think was, "SERIOUSLY!? NOW!? YOU'RE GOING TO PICK ON HER ALREADY!? you. great. big. bully" (that was me talking to god) Very Bruce Almighty of me I know, keep reading. I just kept looking at her thinking, how? How is it at all possible that I just cooked her for nine months, did everything I was told to do and then some and she still came out with a defect. Not a huge one, but it's huge to me. Nobody wants to hear that there's something wrong with their brand new baby, let along something wrong with a major organ that she needs to live, it's just not something you can prepare yourself for. Well Dr. Connor (her cardiologist) explained to me more what VSD means exactly and pretty much there is blood just circulating from her heart to her lungs over and over and if it's big enough, then it can cause her to have symptoms of heart failure like: shortness of breath, failure to thrive, trouble breathing while she eats....you get the picture. They also told me that if it's there long enough or isn't fixing itself like they THINK it will, then heart surgery before she's one is a possibility. The dr.'s all told me it was common and that it'd close on it's own so there was no reason to worry. Easier said than done.
  For the next few months after that we had to see the cardiologist regularly and the pediatrician monthly instead of bi monthly. At one point she wasn't gaining weight (failure to thrive) so I had to feed her literally every like 30 minutes, talk about LONG ASS DAYS and NIGHTS BRO! Luckily it picked up and we were back on track. Besides that, it's been just an on going thing. Here we are 4 months later and nothing's changed. It hasn't closed and I can't tell you how much I hate to hear the false hope that everyone feeds me about how common it is and how they're sure it will close. After today's appointment I find that what little faith I do have  is wavering with every, "Well it's still there" or "Looks like we're gonna have to wait and see" that I get. Dr. Connor told me today it could be 5 more months before we even know how this will play out or if she'll need surgery. I just keep telling myself, "Be strong for her." "Be the kind of person you'd want her to be in this situation" "Don't let them see you worry", but how much longer can I really do that for before I just crack? Is this "his" plan for her? If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for this? Am I being tested through one of the only things in my life that really gives me faith to begin with? I know reading this some of you are going, "Oh my over dramatic mama, it's just a murmur." But to me it's not JUST a murmur. I made that heart and what if it was something that I did that caused it? It comes back to needing a place to throw my blame. I want to believe that there is some god that will look over her and make sure she's always okay, I really do, but I just don't know that I can. Either way it's probably wrong of me to pick and choose when and where to believe instead of believing in something more all of the time, ya know? I guess when you don't have anything tangible to hold on to, some of us just need to believe that somebody somewhere will make sure it's all going to be alright.
  Please don't feel like i'm questioning your god by writing this. If you believe in a higher power and have faith that is unwavering, then more power to you. I envy you. Maybe send some of it my way, because lord knows I need it most right now.

-amanda